You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
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Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Heroic Misunderstanding
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied