You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
You Might Also Like
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
titanic
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
WHO DID THIS?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*