Eye of the Tiger came on the radio so I jumped out my car and shadow boxed till the light turned green.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My reaction to Kit Kat prices: $1 good deal. $1.25 ok. $1.50 whoa. $1.75 what are we at the OPERA?!
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”
– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.