@LivibelsDada

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

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@BBQJones28

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio so I jumped out my car and shadow boxed till the light turned green.

@9GAG

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

@SeanEmeny

My reaction to Kit Kat prices: $1 good deal. $1.25 ok. $1.50 whoa. $1.75 what are we at the OPERA?!

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

@Parkerlawyer

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

@skittle624

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

@BlindChow

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

@DebraMuffin

Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.