Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Headed to a funeral. #yolo
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.