You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.