You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
fixed it
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.