You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

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If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it


pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.


*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*


Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that


Me: you have nice eyeball hair


[pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics


I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist


Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B


“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole


I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit.


Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash