You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
You Might Also Like
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Beware…..
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.