you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
ok this is my dumbest yet
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise