You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!