You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Well, this is awkward
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.