why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.