@QueenofSparta

You like me?

*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.

*never hears from you again.

Right then. That’s sorted.

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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

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YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

@rolldiggity

It’s going to be so disappointing if we ask aliens about crop circles and they’re just like, “We hate corn.”

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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

@david8hughes

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Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase

@NrouteHQ

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

@ComedicBust

[3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?

@3_livi

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer