@House_Feminist
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
@QueenofSparta
You like me?
*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.
*never hears from you again.
Right then. That’s sorted.
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@House_Feminist
@amandajpanda
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
@copymama
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
@ianpauldukes
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
@rolldiggity
It’s going to be so disappointing if we ask aliens about crop circles and they’re just like, “We hate corn.”
@Parkerlawyer
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
@david8hughes
Her: I like smart guys
Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase
@NrouteHQ
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
@ComedicBust
[3:00am]
Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
@3_livi
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer