You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it

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The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.


A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby


A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”


Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet


Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.


People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.


[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*


Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.


I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.


the 5 girls who will absolutely ruin your life:

1. julia
2. julia
3. julia
4. julia
5. julia

julia if you’re reading this bring my goldfish back