In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park