‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
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The Book. The Movie.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.