You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
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A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
emergency phone
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?