[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
You look like a snack:
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises
You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
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Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist?
Worker: You mean screws?
Me: I don’t know, I’m not a nail scientist.
me: wow a pegasus
flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names
me: oh whats yours
flying horse: Pegasus 2
If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now
“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”
“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.