@Shenaniglenns

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

@SPAC3CRAF

Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…

@ericsshadow

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist?

Worker: You mean screws?

Me: I don’t know, I’m not a nail scientist.

Worker….

@ruinedpicnic

me: wow a pegasus
flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names
me: oh whats yours
flying horse: Pegasus 2

@AnkCoupleTO

If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now

@Sickayduh

“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”

“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*

@shatterpants

You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.

@ShootyDoody

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.