Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.