You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Name another movie that mislead you?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!