@TheWinegasm

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

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@SketchesbyBoze

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

@thenamesmikeG

The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I’m cured.

@ScorpionDong

How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?

@Ideal_Victoria

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

@adult_keverage

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

@Squirreljustice

I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.