You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
awkward
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Basically.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.