“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
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I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I keep a Batman costume hanging in my closet in case I bring a girl home and she finds it
The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It’s called Jack-It-In-The-Box.
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Not now, kids.
Mommy’s boiling the Easter bunny.