@Marlebean

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

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@Donna_McCoy

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

@FunnyTunes

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

@JDBooie

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

@Death_Buddy

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

@rowdyforsheriff

I keep a Batman costume hanging in my closet in case I bring a girl home and she finds it

@realHamOnWry

The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It’s called Jack-It-In-The-Box.

@SteveKoehler22

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

@tsm560

She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset

@junejuly12

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.