You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.