You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
the composer
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about