Lady at my job stepped out the bathroom stall and went straight to putting her contacts in her eyeballs. We are goners.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend