“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

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Lady at my job stepped out the bathroom stall and went straight to putting her contacts in her eyeballs. We are goners.


My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.


I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.


How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.


Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth


I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.


Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?


Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?


Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend