@RidiculousSheri

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

You Might Also Like

@janellejcomic

Lady at my job stepped out the bathroom stall and went straight to putting her contacts in her eyeballs. We are goners.

@warhorse76

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

@RuinMyWeek

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

@jessokfine

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

@OfficeofSteve

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

@eddiepepitone

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

@Manali_Shetye5

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?

@BoogTweets

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

@dumbbeezie

Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend