“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
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I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue