You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
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This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Our lord and savoury.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop