“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
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*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.