You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
You Might Also Like
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I love hard, but I stupid harder.