@apok842

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

@brockwilbur

My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.

@JhonRules

when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie

@E_lok44

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

@AristotlesNZ

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…

@neerjagurnani

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

@PetrickSara

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

@crunchenhancer

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

@bamitsbland

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.