@apok842

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

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@charliedelta7

In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.

@SteveSuckington

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

@sweetg35

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

@Cpin42

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

@briancthayer

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

@SmartassChef

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

@professorxavi

*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Panics*
*Starts making car alarm sounds*

@lonewulf87

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

@nicfit75

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.