I only speak Spanish when bill collectors call
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
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I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been batman.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
8 out of 6 people think I’m terrible at math.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen