You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
How times have changed.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.