@LukeErd

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

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@Douchekevin

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

@RiotGrlErin

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been batman.

@TakeForGrantd

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

@TheCatWhisprer

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

@BigFriendlyGrub

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

@WilliamRodgers

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

@imdaintyaf

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen