“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
You Might Also Like
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
they really do be looking like this
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.