You make a compelling argument, Morty.

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By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.


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Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.


Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think


[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.


Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”


Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg


Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.