By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
He’s just not into EU
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.