@shwood

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

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@Gooooats

By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.

@goulcher

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

@elunatyk

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

@TweetPotato314

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@EndhooS

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

@WilliamAder

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.