[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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*about to rob a bank*
“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”
i dont need one
i already have two
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad