@Dani_Feld

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

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@david8hughes

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

@phaggots

*about to rob a bank*

“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”

i dont need one

“why not”

i already have two

*kisses biceps*

@doktorj

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

@Smooheed

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

@lovemydogduck

I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)

@AndyRichter

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@Home_Halfway

Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate

@NewDadNotes

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad