@Dani_Feld

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

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@thejodiest

Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

@Boleyngirly

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

@weinerdog4life

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

@EvanJKessler

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

@DurtMcHurtt

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

@wittwitbarista

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do