You make me want to be a better home and garden.
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Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
True
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.