You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Hell yeah 👍
Guy who likes music
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in