You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
The options really are this bad
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.