You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel

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Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.


Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.


interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]


Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.


It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?


I may have hit rock bottom, but the upside of being down here, is I can see up all of your skirts.

As you were.


New theory: It’s Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.


No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.