Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
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[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”