@ecorno2

You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel

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@iRowlf

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

@samalmightysam

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

@KeetPotato

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

@TheAlexNevil

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

@BigGucci_Idz

It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?

@Shelts99

I may have hit rock bottom, but the upside of being down here, is I can see up all of your skirts.

As you were.

@Alfa_fox

New theory: It’s Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.

@AsgardianRose

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.