You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
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WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
any last words?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
✌🏽
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice