You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency