@mewritesgood

You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13

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@MartiSchodt

What do we want?

DRESSES WITH POCKETS!

How do we want them?

FILLED WITH SNACKS!

What kind of snacks?

PREFERABLY A REFRESHING MIX OF SALTY AND SWEET BUT WE’RE NOT TOO PICKY FOCUS ON THE POCKETS

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

@ObscureGent

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

@LookAwayMomDad

I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.

@BigJDubz

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

@13spencer

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

@TheTweetOfGod

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.