Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
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4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”