@mewritesgood

You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13

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@TequilaSaltlife

If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

Just saying

@Home_Halfway

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

@Bob_Janke

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

@GoldenSpirals

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

@CelebrityChez

How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?

@House_Feminist

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

@iamspacegirl

[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today

@LuckyLea13

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself