You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13

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If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

Just saying


Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?


I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.


Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?


How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?


If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer


[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today


I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself