When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I’ve had relationships like this
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
why would tinder want me to say this