Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that