You mean orgasms aren’t those Japanese paper artsy things?

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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”


Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.


My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.


In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.


Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.


Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing


ME: seen the loch ness monster?
HER: it’s not real
M: *unzips pants* wanna bet?
H: *rolls eyes* sure
M: k i’ll pee and then we’ll google it


HUGE shout out to Will Smith!

With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in ’96.

Happy Independence Day!


DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what