My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Aight bet
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box