You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
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Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Don’t tell me what to do
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
what does he know…
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score