I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
*puts words between two asterisks*
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
He’s dead
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.