@senorlumpy

You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.

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@junejuly12

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

@roxiqt

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

@SCBamaMan

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

@capnmcfword

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

@Marlebean

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

@Home_Halfway

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

@stephenjmolloy

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”