No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I’m good, thanks.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑