You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.