@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

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@doktorj

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

@rad_milk

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

@daemonic3

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

@AngryBlackLady

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

@robfee

Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
“Yeah!”
Axl: Nice lawns!
“Huh?”
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT

@MenHumor

Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.

@TuSoonShakur

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.