You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
☠️☠️☠️
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.