“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
Axl: Nice lawns!
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT
Dear McDonald’s, Thank you for not selling hot dogs. I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.