You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
step 6: release the wall snake
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.