You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
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I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I’m not proud
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough