You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
You Might Also Like
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.