You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
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Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.