This is amazing.
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.