You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…