“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
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“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no