@C00LpenNAME

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

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@DanOverHere

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

@KeetPotato

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

@sarah_edo

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

@mommajessiec

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

@_mindflakes

(boom boom clap)
(boom boom clap)
Daisy you’re a dog you’re a good dog
Playing in the park
Gonna eat some cool bugs today

@TequilaTears

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

@bourgeoisalien

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

@sonictyrant

therapist: you keep hearing cartoon rabbits?
me: yeah, i think it’s updoc
therapist: ehhhh what’s updoc?
me: IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN

@internetluke

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

@jtrulez

Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum