“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
hackers play passwordle
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.