Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”