You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.